I am reading a book on Identity.
God and I have been working hard together, as He shows me who I REALLY am.
When all the fronts are stripped away, what is left?
The core of who I am.

It is so important for me to embrace fully who God says I am.  In order to do this, it takes a stripping away of old beliefs, a painful but beautiful process.  This is where the work comes in.

It is so worth it, this hard work of exposing the core, of getting real.  You see, I have 3 precious little motivators.  3 little girls who deserve a mom who can show them the beauty of their Savior.  This is my life’s work.

I am not alone in this work:
~I have God, who is enough, yet in His goodness He has provided so much more for me:
~I have a wise man sent from God, it is his profession to give words of wisdom, he accepts money but his words are priceless.
~I have a husband, who has a million times over shown me true love, reflecting The Answer in so many ways.
 ~I have multiple women in my life, they speak life into me, allow me to see their cores, and teach me as He transforms them.
~I have a virtual world that is real, words of truth come through with a click of a button, so many tidbit treasures.
~I have so much to be grateful for, I am overwhelmed.

I wanted to share a written example of the work I am doing.
It about me, as a six year old girl.
It was a fleeting moment in time, but its residue has lasted.
I was being disobedient, sneaking to a house 2 blocks down, “just for a few minutes, mom will never know,” and she didn’t, until now.
I wanted to see where my new little friend lived, what the insides of her home looked like.
She lived there alone with her dad, who was not home.
Oh how I now hurt for that little girl friend, living alone with a lost, twisted man.
A man who left violent, gruesome, worse than you can imagine, twisted, bloody, horrendous pornography out in the open
I experienced 3 minutes of hell in her home…she lived in it. I never went back there again.  I don’t remember playing with her again. I don’t remember her name, but God does. May He bless her wherever she is.

Beginnings Of Core Exposure
It takes such a brave soul to explore the core.
Blinders off, zeroed in, honest, real and true.
Paralyzing fear, such a scary place to go, yet I do.
I feel shame, exposed.
The enemies traps are everywhere, yet little girl innocence is unaware, vulnerable to his snares.
He preys the young, creating fear, triggering premature interest.
He smirks in satisfaction at her confusion.

A six year old-in the wrong place and time.
A trap set, sitting nonchalantly on a countertop, atop a pile of mail.
Trap lures, little fingers open, caught.
Eyes see, heart freezes, puzzled panic sets in.
Hands slam shut, eyes want to, mind does but too late.
Violent, evil, gruesome images, branded into a brain too small to fit them in,
Little legs skip away, time to play.  Smile pasted, mind shuts down.
God in His goodness creates this intricate mind,
One that when circuits are overwhelmed, trips to self protect.
It stays tripped for lengths of time, until the enemy comes by
With an accusing finger, he pushes reset.
His lips full of lies, I believe as truth
Evil “repairs” damage even more.
Through the years, I am convinced fixed, but still broken.
Satan smiles at his crafty plans and makes more of them.
God’s heart breaks.  But…

He knows the Ultimate plan, beginning and end.
He has a plan on His Holy Heart, a plan just for ME:

~a plan to work it all out for good
~a plan with a guarantee to make all things new
~a plan that promises to overcome the evil one
~a plan that heals and restores
~a plan that has purpose
~a plan that turns pain to beauty
~a plan to reveal, redemption real
~a plan that will open eyes shut tight
~a plan that will come about, in His time

That time is now.

Plans fulfilled twenty-eight years later,
As the faithful fixer helps the little one restore the core.

Little girl scared, yet ready, He gently probes.
Holy hands hold hers
He moves to push reset, she wants to flee,
But then remembers whose hole- pierced hand it is.
Tears fall.  She speaks words aloud, images unimaginable.
The circuit shorts, breaks.  Beautiful brokenness.
Shattered, yet the core remains.
Exposed, real, true, free.
Reset, remade, renewed
Eyes reopened they see purity
She smiles relief, safe and eager for more plans of His to come.
Little girl, now with 3 of her own,
(3 little ones who make core exposure necessary)
Is being made NEW.

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  • malia
    June 29, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    this is a beautiful post and it takes a lot of courage to put your true feelings out there… blessings

  • Leslie, the Home Maker
    April 27, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    This is beautiful Amy!
    I am crying…
    I was your little friend up the street.
    My dad was the buyer of the Playboys, and my mom let him.
    She, I think, was the hardest for me to forgive. But I did, when I became a mom.
    I now have my own 2 “little” girls, and in this world now, it is even easier to find horrible things, and they have.
    No matter how I have tried to protect them.
    I talk with them about any and everything so that they will know the truth about things and sometimes I bring up subjects that do broach their innocence. And they, in turn, are free to come to me with whatever is on their minds.
    I am sad that I have to warn and teach them about some matters.
    But, we know that Jesus CAN and DOES restore our innocence, doesn’t He, Amy?
    He causes NEW. Yes. He does just that!
    And I have read Redeeming Love, too!
    I think I finished in in one day I loved it so much.
    I loved your post and openness.
    The world needs it.
    Let’s show them who Jesus really is.

  • Jenni
    April 24, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Thanks, friend. God is beginning something new in you. You are being redeemed. Love you!

  • Page
    April 24, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Wow Amy -this is so intense and truly beautiful. Praise to God for doing an amazing work in your heart and life! My heart breaks for the innocence stripped from so many children…once again pointing to our desperate need for God’s great love that redeems. Thanks so much for sharing by sincerely exposing your heart and being an encouragement to others!

  • Amy Bowman
    April 23, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    oh ladies, I can’t tell you how much the comments mean.
    you make being real so much easier. thank you.
    @ Laurie-that is my favorite book of all time!

  • Sara
    April 23, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    This was beautiful… in so many ways.

  • Crystal & Co
    April 23, 2010 at 2:49 am

    Beautiful post.

    Poor little girl. How awful!

  • Susan
    April 22, 2010 at 10:17 pm

    God is so good! Thank you for sharing such powerful and beautiful words and truths with us. I pray that the Lord continues to work powerfully in your heart and life. 🙂

  • Laurie
    April 22, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    You are so poetic! Awesome writing. Sad truths but love how God holds our hands like you said. This reminds me a lot of a book I’m reading “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers. Have you read it?

  • Angie
    April 23, 2010 at 2:07 am

    Great post. Thanks for being so raw and honest. Life is hard but God is good!!!

  • Casual (dash) Cottage
    April 22, 2010 at 11:51 pm

    God has compassion on whom he chooses, and He hardens whom he chooses.
    God’s Sovereign Grace is evident in your life.

  • Sarah @ Mum In Bloom
    April 22, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Amy it’s frightening reading this post. I don’t know why? I guess inner exposure is frightening but facing our fears is what awakens us? You are so very brave. Thank you for having the courage to share this with us.

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