I have 3 teenage girls, and I am super surprised that as a parent, I am at peace with all 3 of them having a messy room.  Does this mean their rooms are always messy? Well, honestly it depends on their personalities. They all 3 eventually get to a point where they can’t stand the mess anymore and give into choosing to pick it up. But that time frame differs for each of my girls, depending on how organized they like to be & how they are wired.  I have been shocked at times to see how long it can take for them to get to the point of picking up their room!

My pastor is the one who is responsible for the peace I have found in just shutting their doors and moving on. I am so glad I was there the Sunday he talked about parenting and gave some practical tips.  I don’t remember much from that sermon, accept the tip that surprised me the most, and that was to allow your teenager to have a messy room.

3 Reasons Why It is OK For Teens To Have a Messy Room:

 

It Is A Place For Them To Just BE

This was the main reason he gave for letting your teen have a messy room, and the one that really hit home with me.  He said that in this day and age our teenagers are under immense pressure to perform, everywhere they go.  Social media has taken this to the extreme, where teens are constantly feeling the pressure to be ‘on’ & to present the best of themselves to the world. Presenting self authentically in such a public space is something I talk about often with my girls, recognizing it is a hard thing to grasp for adults, much less for a teenager.

I love this tip that my pastor gave, to give teens a space in this world that they can call theirs, where they can totally exhale and be who they are with no pressure to perform. What better place to do this than in their own bedrooms?

 

There Are Bigger Battles To Win

This is another thing that has surprised me as a parent of teens–how many battles there can be as teens are naturally bent to explore independence & parents are naturally bent to protect their teens.

Battling my girls to get their rooms cleaned was exhausting and I didn’t like how constantly I was focused on it. I felt like a nag and it created a negative atmosphere in our home almost daily. In my opinion, there are bigger battles to put my effort into than the battle of a clean room.

 

It Is Good Practice In Letting Go Of Control As a Parent

I just finished a teen parenting class at my church, and something that all of us parents in the class could heartily agree on is how hard it is to let go of control when it comes to parenting teens.  This was a class full of parents that have good kids, many who are on the leadership team at church, yet still, friction at home was an issue and by the end of the class, most of us realized it was due to our desire to control our teens.

My oldest knew I was taking this class and after the first class asked me how it went and what I learned.  She laughed at my answer. I said, “I learned that I need way more time -outs than you do.”  So true.

It is a hard adjustment to make—this letting go of control.  When your kids are little, you control so many aspects of their world and it sure feels nice and safe. Once they are teens, it is important to recognize that parenting changes.  I now see parenting as more of a coaching role.  I can coach, but they are at the age where they are going to make their own life decisions and I have little control over that.  My job is to keep them reasonably safe, gently coach them in a graceful way, and be there to love them no matter what decisions they make.  This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I had to recognize that they are on a path to adulthood and to respect who they are becoming and how they are wired, that God has them and their stories and that any sense of control I have really does not exist.  God is in control, not me.

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Practical Tips For Letting Your Teen Have A Messy Room:

I had a few fears when it came to letting go of control and allowing my teens to have messy rooms.

Here is how I handled them and the things I told myself:

 

Am I Teaching Them To Be Irresponsible & Messy?

No.  I raised them doing many chores and most of their life they had a chart system that taught them responsibility.  They know how to set goals and reach them. They are responsible in many other areas of life. I chose to look for these areas and talked myself into the idea that I was not going to ruin my kids by allowing them to have messy rooms.

 

What About Hygiene?

Food & Dishes

This was truly a concern for me. We allow our kids to have food in their rooms, so this really stressed me out to think of glasses and plates piling up & food attracting bugs! EEK! I decided that if it stressed me out so much, then I can quick grab whatever dishes my girls have in their rooms on a daily basis, and I do this whenever it is time for dishes to be done. It really is no big deal, and took care of one of my biggest fears. If you look closely in one of the above photos, you will see a mason jar of cereal that was eaten while my teen got ready for the day. Instead of being annoyed that she does not eat breakfast at the table, I chose to be impressed that she can multi-task & thankful she is ready for school on time.

Damp Towels

For the most part, our girls hang their towels after use, but I have one girl in particular that lets them pile up on her floor.  This was something that drove me crazy, but now I handle it the same way I do the dishes. When I go to pick up the dishes, I grab any towels I see, too.  No big deal.

Dust

There are certain times when I DO MAKE my girls clean their rooms.  It is very few and far between, really only when we have company coming TO STAY with us, or if I want to do a big deep cleaning/spring cleaning. I found that when my girls chose to clean their rooms on their own, they also end up sweeping, vacuuming and dusting, as it is what they did when they were little, so it seems that when they are in the mood to clean it is something they do. Sometimes when I see them cleaning their room I will gently suggest they go ahead and dust, while it is easy to do and since they are cleaning anyway.

Laundry/Sheets

My oldest (16-year-old) does her own laundry.  I still do it for my 15-year-old and 13- year- old, for numerous reasons that I won’t get into here…one of them being that I’m still working on that “control” thing.

 

What About A Made Bed?

This was a hard one for me.  Sometime, somewhere, I read people who make their beds start their day out on a good note and it can affect the rest of their day. This little tidbit created fear in me, “uh-oh, I am starting my girls day’s off in a negative way because I am not making them make their beds!” Ugh. We Mom’s put so much pressure on ourselves!  I decided to just let that thought go. My girls made their beds daily when we had a chore/chart system before they were teens, so they know how to do it, even though they don’t do it daily, I’ve decided that it is good enough to just model it for them by making my own bed, and then…I Let. It. Go.

 

What About My Servants Heart? Will it spoil them?

One of my favorite ways to show love to my family is through serving them.  I love to surprise my girls with a clean room every once in awhile, especially if I know they are having an especially stressful week.  I don’t do it very often, much less often than I used to, but when I do, my girls delight in it & express their thanks.  I had to understand this about myself, that I  love to serve, and recognize that it is okay for me to do it for them when I have the desire to. I just have to check myself and know that I’m doing it out of love, not out of control.

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I know not all parents will agree that this is the way to go–allowing teens to have a messy room. I’ve even had a counselor tell me that anything that a teen can do for themselves, they should be doing, that this prepares them for the “real world.” I had to respectfully disagree with that. There are so many ways to teach responsibility, and a statement like that just created more temptation to control and place too much “parenting perfection’ on me.  I knew if I adopted this mindset, I would end up expecting perfection from my girls. I refuse to parent out of fear and perfection, demanding perfect performance. I would rather err on the side of grace than the side of performance.

It is a process, this learning how to parent teens and do it well.  I don’t like that I feel like I am learning as I’m doing, as there are a lot of mistakes along the way. Grace upon grace in this family is what is needed, especially when life is so messy!

*Note: The photos I used were balanced…to show you some mess yet respect my girls & not expose their mess so publically. I understand they do not represent a truly ‘messy’ room, but I know you understand the mess I would get into by sharing their mess with the world!

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What do you think?  Do you have teens? How do you handle their rooms?